Vicki Hoefle in Henderson, Nevada

My Parenting Guru/Mentor spent the day in my home town!

Vicki Hoefle came to Henderson, Nevada yesterday to speak to parents at Bob Miller Middle School.

With style, wit, and humor she shares the Five Principles of her book: Duct Tape Parenting 

(Sidenote: Vicki’s real talent is that of a Stand Up Comic -Parenting Consultation is just her “Day Job”)

We all  laughed and giggled and absorbed two hours of “Pearls of Wisdom” about her

Less is More approach to raising responsible, respectful, and resilient kids who will be ready to walk into their lives with confidence and enthusiasm! -VH

Click PENCAST to listen to the Presentation and Q&A Session.

She spoke of Parenting Warriors

You understand what’s at stake. That it’s not our personal prestige that is at stake – that is momentary. It’s our children’s ability to step into their lives at 18 with the skills they need to celebrate adulthood and make the most of it!

5 Things are Crucial for Parents to Model for their Kids – It’s our Job!

• Healthy Relationships
• Self-Control and Self-Discipline
• Organizing Life Tasks
• Emotional Health
• The world is more than just this moment

Sign me up!  I’m ready to be a WARRIOR!

ROCK ON!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be Gritty About Getting Kids “Grittier”

Angela Duckworth is my GRIT hero!

I stumbled onto her TED Talk last September when their Middle School embraced her challenge to teach kid’s a growth mindset.

Last Fall, I was extremely fascinated by this notion of GRIT, and since I am on Round Two of Parenting on Track, I decided to revisit the Ted Talk again too.

So how is this working out for my Middle School boys who have experienced the “philosophy” at school?

Well, their teachers mention it in their progress reports:

“Can you show me more GRIT?”
“Remember GRIT?”
“Hope you can get some GRIT”?

Ummmmm… my boys are NOT getting Straight As in the classroom…so their teachers think they need more grit….but not sure they are sure how to guide them toward it….or if that is really even their job.  This GRIT thing is new for a lot of people.  But I like that is catching on in my community.

My youngest son knows -what the acronym means- and he showed some tough, relentless, persistent, GRIT yesterday to find a way to qualify to play in his lacrosse game. DS12.1 has been hovering around a F-Bomb in English all quarter long.  It was sitting at a 59.8% yesterday and he had been told for many months that F = NO PLAY. He had until 3:45pm to make sure that the grade had been updated by the teacher.

He pushed the envelope.  He does that rather often.

2:25pm:  Mom: “What a bummer that I’m not going to see you play today.  I notice that your English teacher didn’t update your grade”.

2:25pm: “Maybe I should email her”. {He says all of this in a nonchalant way…I’m twitching inside…calm on the outside}

2:30pm: “She hasn’t answered my email yet”… “Maybe I should send her another one”.

3:03pm: ” MOMMMMMMMMMM….She hasn’t answered my email yet”

3:03pm: Mom: “Maybe she went home for the day”.

3:05pm: “This CANNOT be happening!  This CANNOT happen!  I have to play!  PLLLLLEEEEEEaaaaaaSSSSSSeeeee let me play and I promise I will work it out with her tomorrow”.

3:05pm: Mom: “Sorry Buddy”

{He is panicking…he is plotting….he is begging…pleading….I am giving DH updates and we are giving each other Pep Talks that we will not cave into the temptation to bail him out…’this will be a great lesson for him’….We are Strong.  We are United!}

3:06 to 3:26  Things are getting crazy….

3:21:36 (time stamped on email) He takes the INITIATIVE to send another email:

i really need you to email be back because i can’t play! Please respond before 3:40

3:25:34  The teacher responds:

…  

I wish I could help you, but you did not turn in your homework today – the focus lessons packet.  That may have brought up your grade.  Also, I thought you were going to put the “Eleven” activities in the late work basket today. I hope you will soon have more grit.

Mrs. B

3:26    I text the DH that the English teacher held firm and to be prepared to support our kid who will be sitting on the bench.  I’ve made it clear to him that he is still wearing his uniform and going to the game to support his team.  He is mortified.  I gather all my empathy (I’ve been practicing in the mirror for such an occasion) and resist the Judgement Mom sigh and eye roll… I am really feeling for him and let him know that I will stand behind him when he explains to his coaches why he can’t play. I have to leave to go get my oldest who is working on a group science project.

So here comes the tenacity and “Won’t Take No For An Answer” part of the story….

3:26:44

i really need you to just round it up because i need to play please!!!

3:30:51   He sends another email

if you can round my grade up just this time i will show you all the grit i have and i won’t talk in your class. Ill turn in all the work i have missing by friday!

She answers him (don’t know if I would have done that as a middle school teacher…but this kid has charm and charisma that can SUCK the life out of you!  (kidding!)

3:32:14

I gave you points for doing part of the “Eleven” activities.  I hope to see it completed and in the late work basket tomorrow.  

Thanks,

Mrs. B

3:33:16  {Smart kid realizes that Parents are not budging if the grade isn’t changed or an email isn’t sent to me…note I am driving unaware of all of this}

did that bring my grade up to a D?

3:35:05 {I am sure he is sweating it out now… Will she answer?  Will she not?  Will I play?  Will my Mom really make me go to the game?}

Yes.

I am now receiving FaceTime calls from my kid {I’m thinking he is a puddle mess. I am unaware of all the initiative and tenacity to motivate his teacher to stop what she is doing and actually go in and change the grade in the online Parentlink system so that he has proof of a ding dong D grade}  To my surprise he seems enthusiastic and happy and now He is showing me live shots of all the emails on my computer.  “So I’m going to the game.  I get to play!”

He pulls it off again.

He has this special talent.

There is a small part of me that is …well…proud….and relieved.  He will survive in life.  He will exhaust us and probably his coaches, bosses, co-workers, etc….but he has GRIT.

He also has some manners.

3:36:03  {He write the teacher again}

Thank you so much i will try my very hardest and show you all the grit i can take out of me.

I am sure she is cringing at the lack of capitalization and grammar in his emails…She has a lot of work to do in her 6th grade English class.

 

Falling Off the Wagon

I tip toed back into my Old Beliefs about schoolwork.

In my own defense, it wasn’t intentional.

The kids sort of asked for me to revisit my old beliefs.  If I could guess, it is easier for them to make Mom the School Monitor.  It means they don’t have to take responsibility for their own time management…and it gives them something to gain some Power.  Mom says it’s Study Hall…they can argue and say “NO!”  {They think they have gained power… I just end up annoyed}  Or maybe I am over thinking it.

What was the recipe for all of this?

• Poor First Term Grades got posted 3 weeks ago.
• Remorse by the troops
• Annoyance build up for  the Parental Unit

The PARENTS presented the following at the Family Meeting:
“We are happy to provide an iPhone to kids who TRY every assignment and maintain a 2.5 GPA”….{then feeling very Duct Tape like we added…} “Let’s decide together when Mom should check Parentlink and what should happen if things aren’t going well”….

The kids decided that Mom should check Parentlink every Thursday.
If the culumutive GPA falls below 2.5…Kids are subject to a Parent Sit Down Meeting.
Possible outcomes of the meeting?
1. Mandatory Study Hall
2. Loss of iPhone privileges
3. Loss of Social privileges

Of course they all giggled and announced…what a waste of time…we will NEVER EVER EVER need to worry about all of this.  We are starting a new term.  “My grades will never fall below it…so I have nothing to worry about!”

All of this makes the Parental Unit feel better…and a sense of control…and like we are being a good parents…and not allowing our kids to fail…I mean what kind of parent doesn’t give their kids the tools to succeed.

THEN…. Thursday rolled around (I even waited a week) and

WTF?

Let’s just say Parentlink was a cluster….and now I have to have “Parent Meetings”…and then dole out a consequence….and then listen to them whine about it…and then tell me they have the work handled….and and and and

And….I am not liking the confusion in my brain…

…It’s all feeling like a bad itchy sweater.  This isn’t matching up for me.  Feels all WRONG!

and

For me…this is like putting an addict in a room full of her addiction.
I am in a recovery program for Micromanaging…
Checking Parentlink every week is like sending an alcoholic to Happy Hour to see what the cocktail special of the week is all about….
I am twitching.
I have fallen off the wagon.
Maybe drinking a martini before they get home from school would be helpful…
Then I will be writing my blog posts from my room at the Betty Ford Clinic.

So…

At the next family meeting we will be suspending the new “GPA Program”.

It is THEIR journey.  They need to develop and find their GRIT.

I RESPECT my kids to much to take over their time management problems.  They can do it.  They are capable!

I TRUST my kids to work through the uncomfortable feeling of poor grades.  I will applaud them for being brave and going to their teaches to advocate for themselves.

I will have FAITH that my kids will learn the consequences of poor grades.  It may be the easy way.  It may be the hard way.

But…we all learn through our own blunders…and I just made a huge one.  I put a new “policy” in place to try and helicopter down and save them… All that provides is kids feeling “micromanaged”…and that doesn’t empower…it weakens them!

I’m learning too.

GRIT: Growth – Rigor – Initiative – Tenacity

Last summer, I went to a middle school orientation and I was introduced to GRIT.

The Principal’s message:

• At XXX MS this year, our theme is “Got GRIT?”
• GRIT stands for: Growth, Rigor, Initiative and Tenacity.  The vast majority of our students have a long track record of academic success.  With this in mind, we want for our students to understand that experiencing failure and adversity can contribute to growth and increase tenacity, which encourages continued success.
• Additionally, this allows for long term attainment of goals.  All students have taken an inventory related to mindset.  Mindset is a simple idea discovered by world-renowned Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck in decades of research on achievement and success—a simple idea that makes all the difference.  XXX students have had the opportunity to assess their own mindset and identify whether they possess a more fixed or growth mindset.
• Our goal is for all students to understand the benefits of a growth mindset.  According to Dweck, with a growth mindset, people believe their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work – brains and talent are just starting points.  This view creates a love for learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.  Knowing this, we are focusing on producing students with grit!  To assist in our efforts, please view this article and consider employing some of the strategies for increasing your child’s grit.
• Together, we will positively impact our students and effectively prepare them for a very successful future!

The first week of school my boys were shown a video of speaker Angela Lee Duckworth

TED TALK : The Key to Success? GRIT   a MUST WATCH!

What about GRIT?

• We need passion and purpose for long term goals
• Stamina…is needed to get there
• We have to work…REALLY HARD

and…

My kids were introduced to and given an inventory on a  Growth Mindset

Shift your thinking from …. I can’t do that…toward….I can’t do that YET

Why the Growth Mindset?

When students and educators have a growth mindset, they understand that intelligence can be developed. Students focus on improvement instead of worrying about how smart they are. They work hard to learn more and get smarter.

The ability to learn is not fixed…it can change with your effort…

and…

Failure is not permanent!

Thanks to Vicki (AGAIN)… I’ve stumbled on the work of Vanessa Van Petten and her amazing website RADICAL PARENTING: Parenting Advice Written By Kids

She sums up some great points in her article: What’s the big deal with failure?

Vanessa writes….”Well, there are quite a few things that can be done to turn failure into your best weapon, but here are two great ideas for starters”:

1. Empathise.

Let your kids know that you really understand how disappointed or frustrated they feel when things don’t go as they’d planned.  Often we so desperately want to fix things for them, to be the time-travelling hero who puts it all right again.  But even if that were possible it would be giving them a very unreal picture of the world.  What they need to hear is that we understand.  Of course, that doesn’t take away from the fact that failure can really hurt. It stings, it cuts and it thumps us in the chest. So let your kids acknowledge their emotions and cry, shout and stamp about.  That’s OK. In fact, if we truly acknowledge strong emotions they normally only last for about 90 seconds, so let them do just that and then they can move on, sit down with this ‘new friend’, and learn.

2. Teach them that there is no failure only feedback

Read, repeat and inwardly digest this phrase. In fact, why not make it a family mantra since all our failures and mistakes are simply telling us how not to do something; we just need to work out what to do differently next time round. Let’s join the ranks of Thomas Edison who ‘failed’ 999 times before he found the right filament to make his light bulb work. Or Michael Jordan who missed 9000 shots and lost 300 games during his career but went on to be the greatest basketball player of all time. If these guys had taken failure too seriously they would have just given up. But they didn’t. They just learned from what didn’t work until eventually they found out what did.

Angela’s words to PARENTS:

• Be willing to fail
• Be GRITTY about getting our kids GRITTIER

How Gritty are You?

GET YOUR GRIT SCORE – SURVEY

{Turns out I scored a 4.38…99th percentile…Maybe I’m doing something right!}

On the other hand…could also be why my kids are persistent, tenacious, and relentless about getting what they want …from their parents! {WINK}