Road Construction Ahead

It’s time to get down to business and create my parenting “Road Map”. (See “Are We There Yet…NOPE!”)

My DH suggested that we take some time and go back to the beginning.  I resist the obvious response “You are right honey!”… and spend some time verbally processing (in a loud passionately toned voice)…until I got to a clear vision – time to get the Parenting Road Map off the brainstorming board and move it toward construction mode.

I have to remind myself to Take It Slow!  Be Patient! Don’t expect to undo 15 years in 8 weeks.  There is some major “Road Work” to be done at our house! It is going to be messy and full of detours.  We have tweens and teens who are very used to living life with a lot of privileges and hints of entitlement. {Let’s be honest…full blow entitlement}  Our attempt to add some responsibilities to those privileges is causing some “fender benders” and “bumper bashing”.  The sounds of traffic are getting kind of loud and we are trying really hard not to put on our Traffic Cop whistles and start directing the chaos.

So…it’s time to define our goals and get some action statements that can be “measured”.  Just like any other good goal setting activity!  DH and I have narrowed our starting point to two ideas/beliefs/words:

• TRUST
• RESPECT

I’m a visual/art girl, so I’ve started a themed poster on RESPECT.  It has our family brainstorms from the last two family meetings.

For my own clarity, I started googling RESPECT and added a few graphics:

For me…valuing others can be the foundation of building “Mutual Respect” for our family.  Through Parenting on Track, I’ve shifted my thinking from disciplining to building a relationship with my kids —and from that platform I need to model respect so that they can see and believe that I value their ….

• ideas
• opinions
• preference
• personal space
• …their entire beings

I have to model for them that I TRUST them to make decisions and learn from their mistakes.  

I have to BELIEVE this approach/philosophy is the best road to travel toward developing kids who will respect themselves, their family, their community, and their world.  I want them to trust themselves, trust others, and understand that the quality of being TRUSTWORTHY is one of those big pillars of life.  Vicki Hoefle speaks of her roadmap being guided by RADICAL FAITH. (I’m going to borrow that one for awhile until my “mantra” reveals itself.)

I want my kids to know that I have Radical Faith in them. I want them to develop Radical Faith for themselves.  I will do that by trying to live with Radical Faith every day.

{Ok…I’m getting deep and reflective…. I’m discovering that is a requirement for Parenting with Purpose… as I say…this is “Under Construction”}

I like trees.

They seem to ground my thinking! I believe that growth can be represented as a huge oak tree. Deep, deep, thick roots holding a trunk that thickens with wisdom and age.  The branches are the many roads we take and decisions we try and choices we make.  Sometimes branches fall off because they are no longer needed – or things need to be trimmed so that the tree can continue to grow and flourish. It can withstand harsh weather and morphs and changes through many different seasons.

Before our oldest daughter, DD15, came into our lives, I based my parenting goal on the idea of “Roots and Wings”.  I will do my best to provide the deepest, thickest, intertwined root system so that when it is time for my kids to fly they will be strong, resilient, courageous …. young adults.  They will believe they CAN do anything, TRY anything, BE anything they want to be.  Respect and Trust are some good tools!  We will start with those….

Our launching point…we have to TRUST them to grow!  

We have come a LONG LONG way in a 2 months.  We used to bark “Be more respectful!”, “How can I trust you?” “You need to build our trust”!  We were micromanaging their schedules, meals, ….telling them when to shower, when to do their homework… how to do it…and we shared this information in tones of frustration, pretend patience, mixed up with a little sarcasm,  annoyance…and sadly (shame on us) some disgust drippings.  YIKES!

So…I’m sketching out my/our Road Map….. here goes at the long range view of it…

We are parents who believe in TRUST.  We show this to our kids by:

1. Allowing our kids to make decisions for themselves that are safe and respectful so that they will trust in themselves!
2. Saying Yes before we say NO
3. Modeling trust by …honoring personal space and preferences AND communicating openly, honestly and respectfully.
4. Making agreements and keeping our promises
5. Living with integrity with no hidden agendas

How the heck are we going to do all that amazing parent stuff?

Allow kids to grow to believe in themselves by

• Use the Timeline for Training to watch and acknowledge what they can do to help them gain confidence
• Use duct tape to stay quiet (and butt out) so they develop confidence. It will show them we have FAITH in them and TRUST them.  We will model that it is ok to make mistakes while learning. No parental eye-rolling, I told you so, interfering, sharing of opinions, giving of advise…DUCT TAPE deluxe.
• Focus our attention on the relationship instead of strategies to boss them around and deflate their progress in growth.  Use the 4Cs and Encouragement rather than junk food praise.

Say Yes More

• Watch and Observe
• Allow them to try things we predict will be a mess
• Use the strategy of Yes, Show Me…to move them toward Privileges by showing Responsibility (P&R)
• Believe they will work through their problems without OUR solutions

Model Honest and Respectful Speaking

• Use duct tape until I can learn to hold my tongue
• Think about my words, then speak honestly, openly, with a respectful tone
• Speak to my kids like I would speak to adults in the community- or my friends – or strangers

Honoring Personal Space and Preferences

• Refrain from judging how they dress, when they shower, how they wear their hair, how they schedule their time.
• Require them to detail their personal bedrooms only one time per month, and be quiet about what it looks like the rest of the month.

Make Agreements and Keep Promises

• Be consistent with sticking to agreements
• Do what I say, Model what I expect
• Share out loud how I do this as an adult in the real world

Living with Integrity and No Hidden Agendas

• Be real, be honest when no one is looking
• Be honest with ourselves– and our kids
• No tricky parenting. No trying to get them to do something without their input for decision making.

So…I’ve got some weekly and daily road maps to work on…but at least we are “Under Construction”… We are a few steps closer to involving the kids in the creation of a family mission statement.  But first, we will work through biting off a few of these pieces at a time…nurturing the roots of our tree.

For now….

*

PS….For more information ….Check out Vicki’s Web Event Replay: Creating a Parenting Roadmap for Success

No More Lectures…Especially When Wheels are Flying

With less than FIVE school days until the end of the first quarter…the wheels are starting to come off the wagon!

One wheel flying!

Reality is starting to set in for my kids (especially especially DS12 and DS11 who have been enjoying LOTS of free time after school the last few weeks).

I have stayed with my pledge to not micromanage my kids and their school “journey”.  I have kept my promise to stay off of Parent Link.  I have duct taped my mouth (for the most part-hey I’m human) about upcoming quarter project due dates that were announced at Back To School Night.  (Which by the way I was applauded by some of the teachers for my letter stating I was staying out of the way this year!)

Last night, DS11 had to reveal that he earned detention from his science teacher.  I was required to sign the paper so he could stay after school for 90 minutes.  The reason: Too many missing assignments.  Attached to the detention notice was the paper with the overall average… a Big Fat Juicy D.  DS11 is antsy, sweating, adrenaline pumping nervous..sort of like this guy with many wheels flying…

• “Mom, I’m scared”.
• “How come?”
• “I don’t know what happens in detention. Do you think I better have all the assignments done when I show up? (Note it’s 9:15pm)…Or is he going to make me do them in detention? Or do I just have to sit there?  What if I get a citation?”
• {He is THINKING}
• “I’m not sure, what do you think?” I ask
• “Am I the first in the family to get detention?  Am I in trouble? Are you mad?”
• “Should I be mad?”
• “Well…with how you and Dad have been acting…you probably won’t care…and won’t be mad….but I’m not sure…. I’m scared… This is awful”.
• “What do you want to do?” I ask
• “I better do some of it now… Otherwise I won’t be able to sleep”
• “I want to start my new knitting project” I say
• “Will you start it in here with me?”
• “Sure, I can do that!” (CONNECT)
• “I want to start over….I’m not ready for all this work in 6th grade.  I want the quarter to end so that I can start over”.
• “What will you do differently”.
• “A lot of stuff!”
• “I bet you can do anything you set your mind to!”

I knit, he works, he apologizes for keeping me up… I’m celebrating a VICTORY in growth for both of us!

The old me would have launched into a lecture on time management, responsibility, blah blah blah…and then I probably would have jumped into to make some sort of “chart” to get him back on track.  The new me …knit and zipped my lip!

A few weeks back, I had to have the post summer car detail, my phone died (oh the horror) and had to buy a book for my 90 minute wait.

I love the universe for putting Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings by Kenneth Ginsburg on the shelf in the waiting area.  It is a perfect companion piece to Parenting on Track.

Chapter 10: NO MORE LECTURES stopped me in my tracks a few weeks ago and really got me thinking about the damage our well-meaning words can do to our kids.  We have great intentions we want to offer advise because we are so “wise”, and we don’t want them to blow it like we did, or we want to fix their problems and/or solve their drama.

But when we launch the lecture they tune out before our second statement.

Ginsburg notes that lecturing doesn’t work for several reasons:

When lecture parents sense trouble, the alarm goes off…time to problem solve. So they jump in and start lecturing.  But in most cases, the kid hasn’t even expressed a concern so he feels cut off, unheard, disrespected, and even shamed! {This word makes my heart hurt}.

When adults lecture, kids often feel stupid. Who wants to listen to someone who disrespects us or treats us as brainless. So some kids become hostile and angry. Lecturing does not foster connection, competence, capability or courage.

Another reason to stop…teens want independence and they will try everything to prove adults WRONG and prove to themselves that they control their own destiny.  Many kids who feel incompetent, want to prove their competence….When they feel like their parents view them as naive or stupid, kids will invest a lot to prove their parents WRONG. So they will go off and do the opposite of the intended message.  They will go to great lengths to prove the lecture predictions wrong! {Ok, this statement scares me enough to duct tape my voice and end my lecture series!}

Instead…

Adults or mentors need to shorten the speeches, be direct, and get kids involved by asking them to make a choice.  Short-Sweet-Simple.  The kid determines the outcome.

Why?

Because kids brains do not have the ability to understand cause and effect abstract thinking.  They are concrete thinkers-they don’t think about the future,  only how behavior affects them RIGHT NOW!  Kids also think egocentrically, How does this benefit me NOW and meet MY needs and MY wants.  I’ve been reminded that things are pretty “Black and White” for kids in their tweens and early teens.  It’s why algebra is tough before high school…most kids brains can’t grasp this…I know this as a middle school math teacher.

Typical lecture…”What you are doing now, will lead to B…What were you thinking?…Now you have to deal with C, D, and maybe E….Look at me when I am talking to you….so now F, G, H will happen… it will all lead to disaster – you will ruin your future, your life…you might even DIE!”… Are you listening to me? Be more respectful when I’m talking to you!

With best intentions, we are trying to save them pain…but I am reminded over and over again that we don’t ever learn anything from someone else’s mistakes.  I only learned the hard way.   From screw ups and the bitter consequences.  Our abstract thinking and “lessons” fall flat because the kids cannot process what we are saying. All they will hear is….Wah Wah Wah Wah—You Will Die!

So…How do we know abstract thinking is beginning to develop?

Teens start asking a LOT of questions and they chatter and they ramble and they question everything and they complain that they can’t turn their brain off (new pathways are developing)…they also start seeing a lot more consequences and connect things to outcomes (She said we were best friends, but now I see she was using me to get information).  They see the world as more than black and white.  They learn…on their OWN.

So what are we to do?

Put kids in the drivers seat so that they can figure things out on their own. We guide them to dissect their experiences.  We shift from algebra (A to B to C to D to E to death), to “Did you see how A could go to B? Have you ever seen that happen before? Tell me about it. Could it then go to C? Have you seen that happen before?”  Short Sweet Concrete. Break it down into simple steps. If they are thinking and figuring it out…they will learn.

Other suggestions…

• Choreographed Conversations (parents hidden agenda to steer the child through a problem… “I heard this…what do you think?  What could happen? What would you do?)
• Role-Playing (Rehearsing scenarios)
• Learning to Recognize a Line (Use TV programs, advertisements)

{…and why I’ve written this blog…to cement in the recommended strategy of…}

• DECISION TREES

A Decision Tree can break down vague ideas  (Don’t Drink…you are too young…it’s illegal…you can get in trouble/arrested…maybe die!) to avoid the lecture and give kid’s a concrete experience they can grasp. Ginsburg uses the following example:

Camela is 15 and her parents want to discuss drinking at parties. They can use a tree to sketch out various answers Camela suggests in response to leading questions. Some branches may lead to dead ends or unwanted results.  Some may give Camela solutions and strategies to use when she is out with her peers.

• P: “Ok, your friends say there is a party after the football game at the Smith house…what is going to happen?” (Draw a square at the bottom of the paper)
• C: “Everyone will want to go”
• P: “Will the parents be home?”
• C: “Probably not”…(  P draws a line from the box and write Parents not Home)
• P: “What will happen next?”
• C: “Kids will bring beer, More  kids show up, Some are from other schools…”

…As parents we see underage drinking going from A to B to C to D…to arrest…to worse…but Camela probably won’t

• P: “So what if the Smiths are home” (draw different box)…  “What if older kids bring alcohol?”, “What if you want to leave”, What if your friends don’t want to leave”? What if someone offers you a ride home and you know they have been drinking?”… (add more branches.)

As they sketch their way through the possibilities, Camela begins to see lots of alternatives to going along with the crowd-which was probably the only path she saw before making the tree.

• P: “So what other choices do you have?”  (more branches)
• C: “Maybe I could skip the party and go to another friend’s house, I could tell my friend’s I can’t go-I have to babysit/work, I can go for a little bit-but you changed my curfew” (YES, my darling kids you can ALWAYS throw ME under the bus and blame it on your UNCOOL parents if that is the only way out of a tough peer situation!!!)

Camela is now better equipped to see how the dots connect from actions to consequences…she has a concrete example.  She knows she has choices and she can better predict how the choices can lead to outcomes.  She is now wiser to make decisions about drinking at high school parties.

It is recommended that this tool not be overused.  Save it for Big Stuff.

Reminds me of my Roap Map homework.

… also reminds me that Thinking is Messy and Learning is Complicated!

 

Knitting = Duct Tape

When I keep out of the way of my kids’ thinking and learning, I find I have a bit more time on my hands.  So I’m filling my hands with yarn. Literally!

I went to my first knitting class about 10 days ago at Sin City Knit Shop.  The amazing Melinda taught me how to do a Cat Tail Cast On…that was a crazy- frustrating- uncoordinated- 10+ minutes.  But like many other experiences these last few weeks, I am reminded how learning is uncomfortable and unpredictable and when you just keep trying…you can gain a sense of pride in yourself!   I love that feeling of accomplishment.  It’s why I’m a self proclaimed Learning Addict.

I had a bit of a headstart…my grandma, Tess, attempted to teach me to knit about 40 years ago.  I had made a few crochet projects, but using two hands was not as “fulfilling” and I’m sure I ran off to roller-skate or do some other fun outside activity.  My Mom (DM72) and her Mom-Tess, have made me beautiful things over the years. I was eager to give it a try…I’m trying to talk a bunch of my friends into joining me!

My first completed project:

It’s a HEADBAND

I found the pattern on RAVELRY…it’s the social media world for knitters and crocheters.  The flower is a crochet project that I found on YouTube.  Ya know….you can learn so many things on that site!!!!

My DD15, actually thinks it is “cool”…so I’m on headband #2 in bright red to accessorize her soccer uniforms!

Next is a scarf…. Knit 3, Pearl 2 for 15 rounds…..Then Knit 4 Rows, Pearl 4 Rows….

The downside…I want every yarn in the store! Every color, Every texture… I get this way in craft stores.  I’ve been a scrapbooker, a stamper, a beader, a quilter…

YARN… a new obsession.

When I want to “interrupt” my kids or interfere…

…

I can just get on the bus….and Knit!

Everyone needs Vitamin Cs

The Crucial Cs are a powerful proactive tool developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner to empower and encourage kids as they move toward adulthood. “Using the Crucial Cs on a regular basis helps children develop a cooperative nature, become self reliant and take responsibility for their words and actions.  It also helps children contribute in positive ways and gain the courage necessary to enter adulthood with confidence and enthusiasm” (quoted from page 44 of Parenting on Track Study Guide)

Giving my kids daily doses of C should help me shift my focus, time, and energy to enhancing my kids and our relationship. What are the Cs?

CONNECT

• People who feel connected enjoy cooperating
• I belong
• I have a place in this family
• I feel secure
• Replace negative attention with positive attention. Don’t ignore the child.  Ignore the misbehavior.
• {Attention Seekers just want and need more connections}

CAPABLE

• People who feel capable are self-reliant
• I can do it! {You can do it}
• I feel competent {I believe in you}
• I have self-control
• Willing to take responsibility for choices and actions
• Don’t try to win power struggles. Give choices so that the child can display power constructively.
• {Power kids need more empowerment}

COUNT

• People who feel they count want to contribute
• I matter
• I am significant
• I have value
• I  make a difference in the success of my family
• Avoid anger and hurt feelings. Maintain appreciation. Offer chances to help out. Don’t give up
• {Hurt kids seek revenge and need to know they matter}

COURAGE

• People who have courage have resilience
• I can take risks because there is nothing I can’t handle
• I can bounce back from mistakes
• I am hopeful and willing to try
• Notice only strengths and ignore the negative. No criticism. Step up easy steps that have a guarantee of success.
• (Avoidance kids need to see that their courage can get them through anything!}

Our homework is do each of the Cs three times a day (4 x 3 = 12) with each of the kids… x3 is 36.

I should probably throw in at least 1 of each to my husband per day…and a few more in the mirror at myself.  That’s a bunch of vitamins.

{I”m a teacher…so I need to do the math to get a handle on this!}

One veteran PonT parent writes herself sticky notes  – basically preplans her comments for the day.  I am going to give that serious consideration.  After 6 days of trying my homework…not sure I’ve even gotten to each kid with each of the 4 Cs once a day…let alone 3x per day. But I’m celebrating awareness!

Another aha moment… Parenting with Intention is challenging. This experience has helped me walk in my kids’ shoes.  I ask them to get up everyday, and go to school, and learn new things.  I should not  ask them to do something that I am not willing to do-Learn-Try-Stumble-Pick Up and Go On.

If I want a thinking kid…I have to be a thinking parent.

Vicki suggests that  I get some help from my kids…so I need to find the time and place to ask…

• What makes you feel connected to our family? (Connect)
• When do feel happiest about being part of our family? (Connect)
• What do you think you do well? (Capable)
• What can we do, as your parents, to encourage your independence? (Capable)
• How do you think you make a difference in our family? (Count)
• What makes you feel valuable? (Count)
• How do you feel you contribute to our family? (Count)
• How do we let you know what your strengths are? (Courage)
• What can we do or say that you would find encouraging? (Courage)

This “adventure” in parenting improvement has gotten a bit bumpy.  I’m still committed to using the duct tape…but it is so tempting to take it off to move along some of our long term goals.  I need to remember it has only been about 6 or 7 weeks.  Patience is a requirement!  (I’m just beginning to figure out how to muster that up…Did I mention I have taken up knitting???)

Duct Tape Parenting is…. a monumentally humbling experience.  I think I’ve revealed some really crazy assumptions (ASSUME…makes an A$$ of U and ME) that parenting would come as naturally as  breathing.  Time for some humor….I need Super Mom vitamins….in addition to personal pep talks of Vitamin C.

And as I teach courage to my kids…I need to remind myself…

Are We There Yet?…. NOPE

We were introduced to a new parenting tool: Roadmap For Success.

Now that we have taken a look at what is problematic in our family…it is time to look ahead and decide how we want to move forward.  Vicki introduced us to the roadmap to keep us from getting stuck in the cul-de-sac syndrome: going around and around, every day, in a repeat cycle of what doesn’t work.

Every map has 3 things in common:

• A starting point
• The distance in between
• The final destination

Parenting on Track  encourages us to create the roadmap to create an atmosphere of cooperation, mutual respect, and fun!  We are promised this will move us toward a positive family experience and away from being taskmasters, referees, personal secretaries, maids, taxi drivers, and police officers.  Who wants to be frustrated, stressed out, confused and discouraged?  Not me!  Not anymore!

By creating the Parenting Roadmap we can:

• identify our values
• see where we are going
• and if we are on or off track
• keep things in perspective
• enjoy more and worry less
• track our progress
• make corrections
• hold everyone accountable

…and long term

• enjoy the experience of our children’s childhood with them
• gain confidence our kids will ready for the big world
• know we created a plan that supports us to parent at our best
• so that we can enjoy our kids at their best

EASIER SAID THAN DONE!  … I feel like the kid on the road trip:  Are we there yet????  Holy Moly …learning is hard work! Changing is too…

So…how to get started?

1. Identify key values
2. Model them ourselves the next week.

We brainstormed …Respect, Trust, Kindness, Health, Integrity, Confidence, Gratitude, Flexibility, Resiliency, Authenticity

We picked one to start with: R.E.S.P.E.C.T

After a week of “trying” to model Respect in our own world (to each other, to the kids…to drivers on the road)… we realized that living our values can sometimes be very challenging.  It is so easy to just bark at our kids to “Be Respectful”… but do they really even know what it means?

So…we asked them at our Family Meeting last week {I tried to do a bit of Aretha and sing the song…sort of fell flat for the audience-hahaha.. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Tell ya what it means to me” …. I’m not going to make it as a Vegas Lounge Singer.}

• What does respect look like to you?
• I know my family respects me because they…..

DS12: “Ask permission to use my things, Don’t come in when I am using the bathroom, Stay out of my personal space bubble, Don’t go in my room”

DD15: “Knock before entering, They don’t boss me around”…

DS11: “Make me dinner….Do my laundry”…. {This was an eye opener… he doesn’t quite get it…and then his flawed parents told him “NO…that is not respect”…as predicted, after 2 attempts, he got frustrated and wanted the meeting to end}  Cheeks Red With Shame… like that was really respectful on my part!

DH51: “No Yelling, Calm-Loving Voices, No Cussing”….. “YEAH Like Dad Said… I don’t like cussing either” chimes in DS11.

We also discover that TIME is very important to DS11.  Our meeting was going over it’s 20 minute limit and he is starting to lose his noodle because he believes the allowance won’t get paid out (and he is broke!)

So we wrap up our first attempt at starting our roadmap.  We have a long way to go…but it’s remembering to focus on the journey…not just the destination.

In reflection, DH and I note that it is tough to respect others, if you don’t respect yourself.  We are going to focus our first roadmap on Self Respect!

Take Care of Yourself

• Eat Well
• Sleep
• Hydrate
• Minimize Technology
• No Drama
• Walk Away from Negativity and Conflict
• Time Management
• Minimize Anxiety
• Forgive
• Be Honest with Ourself
• No Judgement
• Acceptance
• Integrity- Do the Best for Ourself when no one is looking !

Then we can branch out to MUTUAL RESPECT (Family Respect and Community Respect)

WOW…Since we adults can struggle with taking care of ourselves/respecting ourselves…this has opened our eyes to watching our words when we simply state…”You need to be more respectful…”

Geeezzzzz…. Growing up can be hard work… I’m not there yet!  (Wink)

A Different Kind of BandAid

And another confession

When attempting to take off duct tape…really super duper super slowly…(like when I was a kid taking off a bandaid)….In other words, when I try really sneaky ways to INTERFERE with my kids’ life adventure…aka… letting them know that they are driving me nuts…  let’s just say…OUCH.

Point proven again today when the Two Darling Sons (2DS) started bickering at breakfast and I made loud guffaw sighs…and then less than an hour later at the car drop off line with DD15. I knew my little snide comment and “look” was the same as the removal of the duct tape… {but some moments I just can’t help myself-I’m still in sarcasm withdrawal mode}.

What is Fabulous Parenting Team to do after one month?  REMIND REMIND REMIND ourselves:

Do not give attention to the “stuff” that makes us kooky crazy.  Use the Duct Tape and IGNORE IT!

Vicki’s Blog Archive supplies some new IGNORE IT tricks for my toolbox. Of course…Daily Recommitment is Key (Sometimes Hourly)!

Week 5 of Parenting on Track starts today.  We are graduating to Section 2 of the program.  I say this like I’ve earned a gold star!  …and …in a way— yes, as I reflect, I am beginning to see some “bigger picture” patterns. In focusing less on the goal of extinguishing poor behavior and “making” my kids behave (like that was ever a possible goal – make a kid do something)…I am really starting to SEE my kids and their amazing personalities, strengths, and little life victories!

Last week we were challenged to observe and define the “Four Mistaken Goals of Behavior”.

“The primary goal of all human beings is to belong and feel significant”…”a misbehaving child is a discouraged child” –Alfred Alder

According to Alder and other parenting specialists, all of our kid’s pesky – annoying – problematic – behaviors are just symptoms of a four key issues:

• Undue Attention—I only belong if I have all your attention — aka Notice Me or Involve Me Usefully
• Power —I only belong if I’m in control/I have the power/I prove to that you can’t boss me — Let Me Help or Give Me a Choice
• Revenge —I don’t think I belong so I will hurt others/I am not good enough as I am/I’m not loved— Help Me, I’m Hurting, Believe in Me, Have Faith in Me, Validate My Feelings
• Assumed Inadequacy — I don’t believe I can belong so I will do my best do convince others I am useless and helpless/No use trying because I will never do it right — Have Faith in me, Don’t Give Up on Me, Show Me a Small Step

Wow! Big revealing information.  When looking at actions through this lens, it becomes very powerful and most definitely opens up a whole new dimension of parenting.

It’s time for me to grow up (darn it!) and recognize that my kids ARE NOT “doing things” to me (i.e. being annoying, disrespectful, dishonest, lazy…) but, they are responding to some very strong, disconnected feelings.  Aha Moment.  Shifting Gears in the Parenting Wagon.

I have used a lot of time and brain power to come up with creative, temporary, and…umm… ineffective strategies to get rid of the symptoms.  As Vicki puts it… “It’s like putting bandaids on bullet wounds”.  The symptoms (interrupting, bossing, arguing, teasing, whining, fighting, …) just keep popping up again and again – gushing all over the kitchen floor!

NO MORE OLD BANDAIDS!

My parenting challenge is to develop MORE patience and MORE understanding and get MORE confidence to give up the old strategies and replace them with new ones.  Easier said than done.   A lot of reflection (and detective) work is required.

Task:   Discover what has been the purpose or goal of our kids’ mistaken behavior?

How:  WATCH and LISTEN with gobs of DUCT TAPE.  Sort of like the monkeys:

…and sometimes parents (like me) make a bunch of mistakes about the best way to achieve the goals of significance and belonging. For example: lecturing, reminding, saving, negotiating, power struggling, retaliating, coaxing, doing it for them….  {Insert my red cheeks of shame} WINK.

The MISTAKEN GOAL CHART has offered me some “proactive and empowering responses” to my kids’ behaviors. Rather than Feed the Weeds, it is time for a shift toward the healthy, life-long relationship that I want with…and for my kids.  As Don Dinkmeyer put it (requoted in Parenting On Track):

• “All motivation can be understood in terms of its purpose.”
• “You no longer ask why did this happen. You ask ‘For what purpose did this happen’?”
• “These purposes or goals become the final cause of explanation of all behavior.”

It’s time to patch up the discouragement with a New Band Aid.

ummmmmmm….. {a little Halloween humor}

Just hoping we don’t look like this at the end of the month!