As the parents of three amazing kids in grades 6, 7 and 9 we are being asked often for many types of privileges:
- Can I go to the movies?
- Can I ride to Starbucks?
- Can I go to the Skatepark?
- I’m 15, can I date?
In Parenting on Track, Vicki Hoefle states:
“For every privilege, there are corresponding responsibilities. Are you clear with your children as to what those are, or do you use them as a reward or punishment?”
Before PoT, the answer to any of my kid’s questions probably depended on my mood. And if I was in a bad mood the answer was probably….
Haha… But really, the guidelines were probably different for each of my kid’s…we needed some consistency.
AND
We didn’t want our kids to fall into a pattern of feeling ENTITLED. This strategy has allowed us to move away from power struggles and prepare our kids for how they will be treated out in the real world. This really makes me LOL!
My new job to to say….
as often as I can…
My kids’ new job is to convince me that I can say YES to their requests. They have to Show Us and Prove to Us that they can meet the responsibilities that go with the privileges.
Vicki, “This balance is what helps set up a healthy, mutually-respectful relationship where the child is given an opportunity to prove that they are ‘growing into’ a responsible adult. This will keep parents from giving too much or withholding too much.” “Under no circumstances believe a promise – instead remember this: Don’t listen to the mouth, watch the feet!”
How long should they show us? It is recommended that…
- Age 5 and under: Give Kids 7 days to prove they are responsible
- Age 5-9: …Give 7-10 days
- Age 9+: ……….21-30days
SO….how has this emerged at our house?
Although I was warned to involve the kids…there were a few topics that needed immediate “wheel em back in…” (See Attached PDFs)
And… we had to start really short windows of time for success. Our 11 year old started with 3 days. Now we have increased to 7 days. Our 15 year old is begging for unlimited technology usage…she is stuck with the 21 day window for now!
Oh yes…TECHNOLOGY.
Things are so much clearer in the rear view mirror. If only I had this strategy BEFORE allowing APPLE into my world. Don’t get me wrong. I love my iPhone, but….
One of my many duties as the Chief Executive of Operations of Team Ruetten is ….VP of Communications. Overseeing the social media, texting, videos, pictures, usage…
We were starting to drown in technology gadgets…so this strategy has really helped us to shape a fair, firm technology policy at our house. It was one of things that we addressed at our very first family meeting back in late August 2013.
What makes this strategy even better is getting the kids to brainstorm and write the responsibilities…they create them…so they have to own up to the agreement. My kids rewrote the Technology Guidelines to include more “freedom”…in response, we got the opportunity to share (remind) them that….
We are happy to provide free wi-fi and AT&T cellphone service to kids who can…
- Do their BASICS
- Contribute to Family Jobs
- Respect Non-Negotiables
- Follow the Technology Guidelines
- Use texting/social media appropriately
- Manage Time (school, sports, fun, sleep)
P&R_Free_iPhoneService
WOW
“Yes”, we told them, “this ALOT to handle, manage, think about, deal with”…and …. “it costs about $10 a week/person to have this free privilege”…and… “we know it is important to you”…”you have 3 weeks – 21 days to prove to us that you can handle all of this and KEEP the privilege.” PS… a report card will come home by this time too!
{Side note…we told them this before they spent their life savings to upgrade their iPhones…and all of these bullet points were the culmination of 15 weeks of family meetings}
After 3 weeks…
I would be less than honest if I did not admit that I was “avoiding” the one on one – per kid – meetings to evaluate their INABILITY to keep it together and organize their world with apple gadgets. I was scared of the nuclear fallout reaction… I was dreading the crowbar detaching surgery to remove it from their bodies. Frankly… I was TERRIFIED.
Would it be like this….????
But the moments finally presented themselves for each of my boys and last week…I had to PUT ON MY BIG GIRL BOOTS and quietly calmly take them away into safe hiding.
A few hours later…when reality set in… the fireworks started… but I stayed calm, cool, collected…with my mouth, hands, body covered in DUCT TAPE. I had already prepared what I now refer to as THE GRID and told everyone that when they were calm, I would review it and we would make a plan to get the gadgets back. It took some longer than others to want to hear what they would have to do…
FreeiPhoneGRID
DS 15.2 has all but 2 boxes handled…so she was easy to present it to first.
ProbationRules
We went over how to get the gadget back…and then how to keep it. If ya “need another break from it” in the future…how to show us again that you are ready to get it back. Life is about learning…and blowing it…and reflecting…and trying again…and if I can get my kids to learn some self-discipline and self-monitoring of technology – well … I will be damn happy.
{By the way…we have noted that all of this is best received when there is SOMETHING IN IT FOR EACH KID–if there is no personal gain or “what is in it for me”…well…}
How to keep them all working on the GRID?
Unlimited Technology Access. DD “loathes” the turn in all technology by 9pm rule… the boys also loved that when they can get the chart filled in…and SHOW US for 21 days that they will continue to do everything on the grid…they will also have UNLIMITED TECHNOLOGY.
To be honest…I can’t even do everything on THE GRID everyday. Managing technology is crazy for adults. I can’t imagine what middle school would have been like for me with all of the pressures and distractions of social media! {Makes me want to tear my hair out… I will restrain myself from finding another funny visual for this post}
For now…I’m enjoying a bit of downtime from VP of Communications.
DS11 is going to brush his teeth and DS12 is going to shower…they have a few more days to prove they can handle that BASIC.
(Geeezzzz if you can’t do that -one really shouldn’t have an iPhone…but as I say some days I struggle to do that…it’s after 1pm…better go brush my teeth so I can be a good role model for my kid!)
READ ON VICKI’S BLOG:
Turn No! Into Yes
Parenting Teens 