Things That Come in Fours

As a elementary math teacher, I taught kids to understand multiplication by searching for things in their world that come in groups.

Things that come in fours are:

• Legs on a horse
• Quarters in a dollar
• Sides on a square

Another thing … The Four Mistaken Goals of Behavior

I just finished listening to Chapter FOUR (crazy coincidence) of Parenting on Track by Vicki Hoefle.  I’m on Round Two of the 12 week program.  (…not doubt in mind there will be a Round Four….Eight….Twelve and more multiples of 4 before I’m finished on this journey!)

I’ve learned to remember that a Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child.  All any child wants… is to BELONG to the family and to his or her world.  They want to feel significant.

Most misbehaviors can fall into one of four categories:

• Undue Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Avoidance/Assumed Inadequacy

My Bandaid blogpost summed it up in Round 1.  All of my kids, on any given day, move around these four arenas if they are feeling discouraged.  My challenge is to not fall into old useless parenting strategies.  So I went hunting on Vicki’s Blog for some new insight.

Think, Look, Plan….Do  (Note another FOUR step strategy!)

THINK

It’s important to stop and think: parenting problems are not really problems, they are SYMPTOMS of either a fractured relationship or lack of training or both -VH

LOOK

• Look at the relationship
• Look at the training
• Look at the behavior

PLAN

Once the entire situation has been put into perspective, I’d plan to work on the relationship and training the child. -VH

DO

• Refrain from quick-fix responses to kids’  behavior. (No bandaids on bulletwounds)
• Take time to implement the relationship plan. (Invest in the relationship)
• Practice routines, but NOT during problems. (Take time for training)
• Be patient and celebrate success. (Focus on what I want more of)
• Train to clean up their own messes. (Quit being the maid)
• Encourage them to participate authentically in their life. (Prepare her for departure)

For more great insight…

The Road of Love

Take Time to Pause

Road Construction Ahead

It’s time to get down to business and create my parenting “Road Map”. (See “Are We There Yet…NOPE!”)

My DH suggested that we take some time and go back to the beginning.  I resist the obvious response “You are right honey!”… and spend some time verbally processing (in a loud passionately toned voice)…until I got to a clear vision – time to get the Parenting Road Map off the brainstorming board and move it toward construction mode.

I have to remind myself to Take It Slow!  Be Patient! Don’t expect to undo 15 years in 8 weeks.  There is some major “Road Work” to be done at our house! It is going to be messy and full of detours.  We have tweens and teens who are very used to living life with a lot of privileges and hints of entitlement. {Let’s be honest…full blow entitlement}  Our attempt to add some responsibilities to those privileges is causing some “fender benders” and “bumper bashing”.  The sounds of traffic are getting kind of loud and we are trying really hard not to put on our Traffic Cop whistles and start directing the chaos.

So…it’s time to define our goals and get some action statements that can be “measured”.  Just like any other good goal setting activity!  DH and I have narrowed our starting point to two ideas/beliefs/words:

• TRUST
• RESPECT

I’m a visual/art girl, so I’ve started a themed poster on RESPECT.  It has our family brainstorms from the last two family meetings.

For my own clarity, I started googling RESPECT and added a few graphics:

For me…valuing others can be the foundation of building “Mutual Respect” for our family.  Through Parenting on Track, I’ve shifted my thinking from disciplining to building a relationship with my kids —and from that platform I need to model respect so that they can see and believe that I value their ….

• ideas
• opinions
• preference
• personal space
• …their entire beings

I have to model for them that I TRUST them to make decisions and learn from their mistakes.  

I have to BELIEVE this approach/philosophy is the best road to travel toward developing kids who will respect themselves, their family, their community, and their world.  I want them to trust themselves, trust others, and understand that the quality of being TRUSTWORTHY is one of those big pillars of life.  Vicki Hoefle speaks of her roadmap being guided by RADICAL FAITH. (I’m going to borrow that one for awhile until my “mantra” reveals itself.)

I want my kids to know that I have Radical Faith in them. I want them to develop Radical Faith for themselves.  I will do that by trying to live with Radical Faith every day.

{Ok…I’m getting deep and reflective…. I’m discovering that is a requirement for Parenting with Purpose… as I say…this is “Under Construction”}

I like trees.

They seem to ground my thinking! I believe that growth can be represented as a huge oak tree. Deep, deep, thick roots holding a trunk that thickens with wisdom and age.  The branches are the many roads we take and decisions we try and choices we make.  Sometimes branches fall off because they are no longer needed – or things need to be trimmed so that the tree can continue to grow and flourish. It can withstand harsh weather and morphs and changes through many different seasons.

Before our oldest daughter, DD15, came into our lives, I based my parenting goal on the idea of “Roots and Wings”.  I will do my best to provide the deepest, thickest, intertwined root system so that when it is time for my kids to fly they will be strong, resilient, courageous …. young adults.  They will believe they CAN do anything, TRY anything, BE anything they want to be.  Respect and Trust are some good tools!  We will start with those….

Our launching point…we have to TRUST them to grow!  

We have come a LONG LONG way in a 2 months.  We used to bark “Be more respectful!”, “How can I trust you?” “You need to build our trust”!  We were micromanaging their schedules, meals, ….telling them when to shower, when to do their homework… how to do it…and we shared this information in tones of frustration, pretend patience, mixed up with a little sarcasm,  annoyance…and sadly (shame on us) some disgust drippings.  YIKES!

So…I’m sketching out my/our Road Map….. here goes at the long range view of it…

We are parents who believe in TRUST.  We show this to our kids by:

1. Allowing our kids to make decisions for themselves that are safe and respectful so that they will trust in themselves!
2. Saying Yes before we say NO
3. Modeling trust by …honoring personal space and preferences AND communicating openly, honestly and respectfully.
4. Making agreements and keeping our promises
5. Living with integrity with no hidden agendas

How the heck are we going to do all that amazing parent stuff?

Allow kids to grow to believe in themselves by

• Use the Timeline for Training to watch and acknowledge what they can do to help them gain confidence
• Use duct tape to stay quiet (and butt out) so they develop confidence. It will show them we have FAITH in them and TRUST them.  We will model that it is ok to make mistakes while learning. No parental eye-rolling, I told you so, interfering, sharing of opinions, giving of advise…DUCT TAPE deluxe.
• Focus our attention on the relationship instead of strategies to boss them around and deflate their progress in growth.  Use the 4Cs and Encouragement rather than junk food praise.

Say Yes More

• Watch and Observe
• Allow them to try things we predict will be a mess
• Use the strategy of Yes, Show Me…to move them toward Privileges by showing Responsibility (P&R)
• Believe they will work through their problems without OUR solutions

Model Honest and Respectful Speaking

• Use duct tape until I can learn to hold my tongue
• Think about my words, then speak honestly, openly, with a respectful tone
• Speak to my kids like I would speak to adults in the community- or my friends – or strangers

Honoring Personal Space and Preferences

• Refrain from judging how they dress, when they shower, how they wear their hair, how they schedule their time.
• Require them to detail their personal bedrooms only one time per month, and be quiet about what it looks like the rest of the month.

Make Agreements and Keep Promises

• Be consistent with sticking to agreements
• Do what I say, Model what I expect
• Share out loud how I do this as an adult in the real world

Living with Integrity and No Hidden Agendas

• Be real, be honest when no one is looking
• Be honest with ourselves– and our kids
• No tricky parenting. No trying to get them to do something without their input for decision making.

So…I’ve got some weekly and daily road maps to work on…but at least we are “Under Construction”… We are a few steps closer to involving the kids in the creation of a family mission statement.  But first, we will work through biting off a few of these pieces at a time…nurturing the roots of our tree.

For now….

*

PS….For more information ….Check out Vicki’s Web Event Replay: Creating a Parenting Roadmap for Success

Everyone needs Vitamin Cs

The Crucial Cs are a powerful proactive tool developed by Amy Lew and Betty Lou Bettner to empower and encourage kids as they move toward adulthood. “Using the Crucial Cs on a regular basis helps children develop a cooperative nature, become self reliant and take responsibility for their words and actions.  It also helps children contribute in positive ways and gain the courage necessary to enter adulthood with confidence and enthusiasm” (quoted from page 44 of Parenting on Track Study Guide)

Giving my kids daily doses of C should help me shift my focus, time, and energy to enhancing my kids and our relationship. What are the Cs?

CONNECT

• People who feel connected enjoy cooperating
• I belong
• I have a place in this family
• I feel secure
• Replace negative attention with positive attention. Don’t ignore the child.  Ignore the misbehavior.
• {Attention Seekers just want and need more connections}

CAPABLE

• People who feel capable are self-reliant
• I can do it! {You can do it}
• I feel competent {I believe in you}
• I have self-control
• Willing to take responsibility for choices and actions
• Don’t try to win power struggles. Give choices so that the child can display power constructively.
• {Power kids need more empowerment}

COUNT

• People who feel they count want to contribute
• I matter
• I am significant
• I have value
• I  make a difference in the success of my family
• Avoid anger and hurt feelings. Maintain appreciation. Offer chances to help out. Don’t give up
• {Hurt kids seek revenge and need to know they matter}

COURAGE

• People who have courage have resilience
• I can take risks because there is nothing I can’t handle
• I can bounce back from mistakes
• I am hopeful and willing to try
• Notice only strengths and ignore the negative. No criticism. Step up easy steps that have a guarantee of success.
• (Avoidance kids need to see that their courage can get them through anything!}

Our homework is do each of the Cs three times a day (4 x 3 = 12) with each of the kids… x3 is 36.

I should probably throw in at least 1 of each to my husband per day…and a few more in the mirror at myself.  That’s a bunch of vitamins.

{I”m a teacher…so I need to do the math to get a handle on this!}

One veteran PonT parent writes herself sticky notes  – basically preplans her comments for the day.  I am going to give that serious consideration.  After 6 days of trying my homework…not sure I’ve even gotten to each kid with each of the 4 Cs once a day…let alone 3x per day. But I’m celebrating awareness!

Another aha moment… Parenting with Intention is challenging. This experience has helped me walk in my kids’ shoes.  I ask them to get up everyday, and go to school, and learn new things.  I should not  ask them to do something that I am not willing to do-Learn-Try-Stumble-Pick Up and Go On.

If I want a thinking kid…I have to be a thinking parent.

Vicki suggests that  I get some help from my kids…so I need to find the time and place to ask…

• What makes you feel connected to our family? (Connect)
• When do feel happiest about being part of our family? (Connect)
• What do you think you do well? (Capable)
• What can we do, as your parents, to encourage your independence? (Capable)
• How do you think you make a difference in our family? (Count)
• What makes you feel valuable? (Count)
• How do you feel you contribute to our family? (Count)
• How do we let you know what your strengths are? (Courage)
• What can we do or say that you would find encouraging? (Courage)

This “adventure” in parenting improvement has gotten a bit bumpy.  I’m still committed to using the duct tape…but it is so tempting to take it off to move along some of our long term goals.  I need to remember it has only been about 6 or 7 weeks.  Patience is a requirement!  (I’m just beginning to figure out how to muster that up…Did I mention I have taken up knitting???)

Duct Tape Parenting is…. a monumentally humbling experience.  I think I’ve revealed some really crazy assumptions (ASSUME…makes an A$$ of U and ME) that parenting would come as naturally as  breathing.  Time for some humor….I need Super Mom vitamins….in addition to personal pep talks of Vitamin C.

And as I teach courage to my kids…I need to remind myself…

Are We There Yet?…. NOPE

We were introduced to a new parenting tool: Roadmap For Success.

Now that we have taken a look at what is problematic in our family…it is time to look ahead and decide how we want to move forward.  Vicki introduced us to the roadmap to keep us from getting stuck in the cul-de-sac syndrome: going around and around, every day, in a repeat cycle of what doesn’t work.

Every map has 3 things in common:

• A starting point
• The distance in between
• The final destination

Parenting on Track  encourages us to create the roadmap to create an atmosphere of cooperation, mutual respect, and fun!  We are promised this will move us toward a positive family experience and away from being taskmasters, referees, personal secretaries, maids, taxi drivers, and police officers.  Who wants to be frustrated, stressed out, confused and discouraged?  Not me!  Not anymore!

By creating the Parenting Roadmap we can:

• identify our values
• see where we are going
• and if we are on or off track
• keep things in perspective
• enjoy more and worry less
• track our progress
• make corrections
• hold everyone accountable

…and long term

• enjoy the experience of our children’s childhood with them
• gain confidence our kids will ready for the big world
• know we created a plan that supports us to parent at our best
• so that we can enjoy our kids at their best

EASIER SAID THAN DONE!  … I feel like the kid on the road trip:  Are we there yet????  Holy Moly …learning is hard work! Changing is too…

So…how to get started?

1. Identify key values
2. Model them ourselves the next week.

We brainstormed …Respect, Trust, Kindness, Health, Integrity, Confidence, Gratitude, Flexibility, Resiliency, Authenticity

We picked one to start with: R.E.S.P.E.C.T

After a week of “trying” to model Respect in our own world (to each other, to the kids…to drivers on the road)… we realized that living our values can sometimes be very challenging.  It is so easy to just bark at our kids to “Be Respectful”… but do they really even know what it means?

So…we asked them at our Family Meeting last week {I tried to do a bit of Aretha and sing the song…sort of fell flat for the audience-hahaha.. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T… Tell ya what it means to me” …. I’m not going to make it as a Vegas Lounge Singer.}

• What does respect look like to you?
• I know my family respects me because they…..

DS12: “Ask permission to use my things, Don’t come in when I am using the bathroom, Stay out of my personal space bubble, Don’t go in my room”

DD15: “Knock before entering, They don’t boss me around”…

DS11: “Make me dinner….Do my laundry”…. {This was an eye opener… he doesn’t quite get it…and then his flawed parents told him “NO…that is not respect”…as predicted, after 2 attempts, he got frustrated and wanted the meeting to end}  Cheeks Red With Shame… like that was really respectful on my part!

DH51: “No Yelling, Calm-Loving Voices, No Cussing”….. “YEAH Like Dad Said… I don’t like cussing either” chimes in DS11.

We also discover that TIME is very important to DS11.  Our meeting was going over it’s 20 minute limit and he is starting to lose his noodle because he believes the allowance won’t get paid out (and he is broke!)

So we wrap up our first attempt at starting our roadmap.  We have a long way to go…but it’s remembering to focus on the journey…not just the destination.

In reflection, DH and I note that it is tough to respect others, if you don’t respect yourself.  We are going to focus our first roadmap on Self Respect!

Take Care of Yourself

• Eat Well
• Sleep
• Hydrate
• Minimize Technology
• No Drama
• Walk Away from Negativity and Conflict
• Time Management
• Minimize Anxiety
• Forgive
• Be Honest with Ourself
• No Judgement
• Acceptance
• Integrity- Do the Best for Ourself when no one is looking !

Then we can branch out to MUTUAL RESPECT (Family Respect and Community Respect)

WOW…Since we adults can struggle with taking care of ourselves/respecting ourselves…this has opened our eyes to watching our words when we simply state…”You need to be more respectful…”

Geeezzzzz…. Growing up can be hard work… I’m not there yet!  (Wink)