No More Lectures…Especially When Wheels are Flying

With less than FIVE school days until the end of the first quarter…the wheels are starting to come off the wagon!

One wheel flying!

Reality is starting to set in for my kids (especially especially DS12 and DS11 who have been enjoying LOTS of free time after school the last few weeks).

I have stayed with my pledge to not micromanage my kids and their school “journey”.  I have kept my promise to stay off of Parent Link.  I have duct taped my mouth (for the most part-hey I’m human) about upcoming quarter project due dates that were announced at Back To School Night.  (Which by the way I was applauded by some of the teachers for my letter stating I was staying out of the way this year!)

Last night, DS11 had to reveal that he earned detention from his science teacher.  I was required to sign the paper so he could stay after school for 90 minutes.  The reason: Too many missing assignments.  Attached to the detention notice was the paper with the overall average… a Big Fat Juicy D.  DS11 is antsy, sweating, adrenaline pumping nervous..sort of like this guy with many wheels flying…

• “Mom, I’m scared”.
• “How come?”
• “I don’t know what happens in detention. Do you think I better have all the assignments done when I show up? (Note it’s 9:15pm)…Or is he going to make me do them in detention? Or do I just have to sit there?  What if I get a citation?”
• {He is THINKING}
• “I’m not sure, what do you think?” I ask
• “Am I the first in the family to get detention?  Am I in trouble? Are you mad?”
• “Should I be mad?”
• “Well…with how you and Dad have been acting…you probably won’t care…and won’t be mad….but I’m not sure…. I’m scared… This is awful”.
• “What do you want to do?” I ask
• “I better do some of it now… Otherwise I won’t be able to sleep”
• “I want to start my new knitting project” I say
• “Will you start it in here with me?”
• “Sure, I can do that!” (CONNECT)
• “I want to start over….I’m not ready for all this work in 6th grade.  I want the quarter to end so that I can start over”.
• “What will you do differently”.
• “A lot of stuff!”
• “I bet you can do anything you set your mind to!”

I knit, he works, he apologizes for keeping me up… I’m celebrating a VICTORY in growth for both of us!

The old me would have launched into a lecture on time management, responsibility, blah blah blah…and then I probably would have jumped into to make some sort of “chart” to get him back on track.  The new me …knit and zipped my lip!

A few weeks back, I had to have the post summer car detail, my phone died (oh the horror) and had to buy a book for my 90 minute wait.

I love the universe for putting Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings by Kenneth Ginsburg on the shelf in the waiting area.  It is a perfect companion piece to Parenting on Track.

Chapter 10: NO MORE LECTURES stopped me in my tracks a few weeks ago and really got me thinking about the damage our well-meaning words can do to our kids.  We have great intentions we want to offer advise because we are so “wise”, and we don’t want them to blow it like we did, or we want to fix their problems and/or solve their drama.

But when we launch the lecture they tune out before our second statement.

Ginsburg notes that lecturing doesn’t work for several reasons:

When lecture parents sense trouble, the alarm goes off…time to problem solve. So they jump in and start lecturing.  But in most cases, the kid hasn’t even expressed a concern so he feels cut off, unheard, disrespected, and even shamed! {This word makes my heart hurt}.

When adults lecture, kids often feel stupid. Who wants to listen to someone who disrespects us or treats us as brainless. So some kids become hostile and angry. Lecturing does not foster connection, competence, capability or courage.

Another reason to stop…teens want independence and they will try everything to prove adults WRONG and prove to themselves that they control their own destiny.  Many kids who feel incompetent, want to prove their competence….When they feel like their parents view them as naive or stupid, kids will invest a lot to prove their parents WRONG. So they will go off and do the opposite of the intended message.  They will go to great lengths to prove the lecture predictions wrong! {Ok, this statement scares me enough to duct tape my voice and end my lecture series!}

Instead…

Adults or mentors need to shorten the speeches, be direct, and get kids involved by asking them to make a choice.  Short-Sweet-Simple.  The kid determines the outcome.

Why?

Because kids brains do not have the ability to understand cause and effect abstract thinking.  They are concrete thinkers-they don’t think about the future,  only how behavior affects them RIGHT NOW!  Kids also think egocentrically, How does this benefit me NOW and meet MY needs and MY wants.  I’ve been reminded that things are pretty “Black and White” for kids in their tweens and early teens.  It’s why algebra is tough before high school…most kids brains can’t grasp this…I know this as a middle school math teacher.

Typical lecture…”What you are doing now, will lead to B…What were you thinking?…Now you have to deal with C, D, and maybe E….Look at me when I am talking to you….so now F, G, H will happen… it will all lead to disaster – you will ruin your future, your life…you might even DIE!”… Are you listening to me? Be more respectful when I’m talking to you!

With best intentions, we are trying to save them pain…but I am reminded over and over again that we don’t ever learn anything from someone else’s mistakes.  I only learned the hard way.   From screw ups and the bitter consequences.  Our abstract thinking and “lessons” fall flat because the kids cannot process what we are saying. All they will hear is….Wah Wah Wah Wah—You Will Die!

So…How do we know abstract thinking is beginning to develop?

Teens start asking a LOT of questions and they chatter and they ramble and they question everything and they complain that they can’t turn their brain off (new pathways are developing)…they also start seeing a lot more consequences and connect things to outcomes (She said we were best friends, but now I see she was using me to get information).  They see the world as more than black and white.  They learn…on their OWN.

So what are we to do?

Put kids in the drivers seat so that they can figure things out on their own. We guide them to dissect their experiences.  We shift from algebra (A to B to C to D to E to death), to “Did you see how A could go to B? Have you ever seen that happen before? Tell me about it. Could it then go to C? Have you seen that happen before?”  Short Sweet Concrete. Break it down into simple steps. If they are thinking and figuring it out…they will learn.

Other suggestions…

• Choreographed Conversations (parents hidden agenda to steer the child through a problem… “I heard this…what do you think?  What could happen? What would you do?)
• Role-Playing (Rehearsing scenarios)
• Learning to Recognize a Line (Use TV programs, advertisements)

{…and why I’ve written this blog…to cement in the recommended strategy of…}

• DECISION TREES

A Decision Tree can break down vague ideas  (Don’t Drink…you are too young…it’s illegal…you can get in trouble/arrested…maybe die!) to avoid the lecture and give kid’s a concrete experience they can grasp. Ginsburg uses the following example:

Camela is 15 and her parents want to discuss drinking at parties. They can use a tree to sketch out various answers Camela suggests in response to leading questions. Some branches may lead to dead ends or unwanted results.  Some may give Camela solutions and strategies to use when she is out with her peers.

• P: “Ok, your friends say there is a party after the football game at the Smith house…what is going to happen?” (Draw a square at the bottom of the paper)
• C: “Everyone will want to go”
• P: “Will the parents be home?”
• C: “Probably not”…(  P draws a line from the box and write Parents not Home)
• P: “What will happen next?”
• C: “Kids will bring beer, More  kids show up, Some are from other schools…”

…As parents we see underage drinking going from A to B to C to D…to arrest…to worse…but Camela probably won’t

• P: “So what if the Smiths are home” (draw different box)…  “What if older kids bring alcohol?”, “What if you want to leave”, What if your friends don’t want to leave”? What if someone offers you a ride home and you know they have been drinking?”… (add more branches.)

As they sketch their way through the possibilities, Camela begins to see lots of alternatives to going along with the crowd-which was probably the only path she saw before making the tree.

• P: “So what other choices do you have?”  (more branches)
• C: “Maybe I could skip the party and go to another friend’s house, I could tell my friend’s I can’t go-I have to babysit/work, I can go for a little bit-but you changed my curfew” (YES, my darling kids you can ALWAYS throw ME under the bus and blame it on your UNCOOL parents if that is the only way out of a tough peer situation!!!)

Camela is now better equipped to see how the dots connect from actions to consequences…she has a concrete example.  She knows she has choices and she can better predict how the choices can lead to outcomes.  She is now wiser to make decisions about drinking at high school parties.

It is recommended that this tool not be overused.  Save it for Big Stuff.

Reminds me of my Roap Map homework.

… also reminds me that Thinking is Messy and Learning is Complicated!